Homesick.

“God has you where you are for a reason”- probably my biggest struggle as a believer.  When I am in Arizona, I am dreaming about Africa. When I am in Africa, I am dreaming about Arizona. I’m sure when I get home I will be dreaming about Haiti or Indonesia or something ridiculous, (sarcasm, I undeniably feel called home long term). Usually I can spot those words leaving someone’s lips before a conversation even starts, but tonight I got them when I wasn’t expecting it.

I know a lot of people can relate to what I’m about to describe, but for most of my friends and even my family it seems just plain suicidal so I will do my best to explain. There are times when I feel so in love with God and who He is that I just want to die so that I can meet Him face to face. I know that I will not experience true peace until I am there. There will always be this aching in me until I am with the Father and that’s something I have learned to live with because I know that aching is solely for God and nothing in this world could fill that void besides Him. I know Charlie Hall gets what I mean because he has a song called “Come for me” that articulates how I feel about this issue. Tori has also always been right there with me on this one. Sometimes we joke about how God is going to keep us alive until we are like 120 just because and then we will be in a nursing home crying together ;)


So, tonight after listening to our usual Francis Chan sermon I was telling Shauna with tears in my eyes about how badly I just wanted to know God, (Francis always reminds me how madly, obsessed, in love I am with the creator). I made it very clear how much I love my life and how I get on my knees every night to praise God for the people He has put in my life and the opportunities He has presented me with, but I am so in love with Him that everything else pales in comparison. I want to know everything about Him so that I can be closer to Him. It’s like being engaged and having your fiance keep secrets about who he is from you. You want to know everything about your fiance because you are going to be devoted to him for the rest of your earthly life. How can you do that to your fullest if you don’t know everything about him? Yet, there are things I will not know about God until I am in heaven and He planned it that way. Just like there are things between a man and a woman that are reserved for after the wedding ceremony.


Knowing this, I was still really frustrated. Shauna just looked at me and here it comes… “God has you where you are for a reason. This life is so short, it’s gone in the blink of an eye and you will spend eternity with God. He wants you to spend this time spreading your love for Him through sharing His gospel with others while you are here on Earth”. Despite its repetitiveness, this time I felt like it really hit home. I don’t know why Africa seems to clarify everything for me. Shauna had insight about that too, attributing it to the fact that we are finally being quiet enough to hear what God is trying to tell us, (I really encourage everyone at home to try this). I think she hit the nail on the head. I can hear things from people all day long but until I sit down and am listening to God, nothing is going to sink in. So for now, I am still homesick (for my eternal home that is) but I am inspired once more to make every minute of this life count for the glory of God until I am called home.