Good ol Socrates

I once had a friend quote Socrates to me, "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing".

This quote has never seemed more relevant to my life.  I have always been a mediocre student growing up.  I could probably be extremely intelligent if I wasn't so lazy and actually had a little more drive about what I was learning.  English is the only thing that has stuck with me that I truly feel passionate about (academic wise), but even in that I only do the necessary to succeed with a B average.  Lately however, I have found myself dying to learn about anything and everything, especially religion.  I think it is so fascinating to explore what other people believe about this life and the next.  It is my, among countless others, sole purpose on this Earth to devote my life here to the creator and I think that is why I have become so intrigued lately with different viewpoints surrounding the subject.  The hard part about being propelled by a new found knowledge of different belief systems is the fact that there is so much to know.  I feel like every time I get an answer it opens the door to a whole new set of questions.  Although humbling, this is extremely frustrating and only further confirms my assumption that I will be in school FOREVER.  It also begs the question: how lame would life be if we ever got to the point where there was nothing else to know?  It's really pushing me to make a conscious effort to soak in everything I can from the people around me.  Especially because of all the amazing resources that I encounter throughout my day (Jeff and Shimmy to name a few), I would be ridiculously foolish not to take advantage of the knowledge they have to offer and we know how God feels about foolish people...it's not pretty.

Manifestation of my far below "expert" level writing skills.

While debating whether or not to pull an all nighter and write as much as I possibly could in order to relieve some of my finals stress or play around on my blog site...I guess it is obvious which option I chose.  This blog was originally created to enable me to share the experiences God will be taking me through while I'm in Kenya but I figure, why wait until I am in Africa to share what God is teaching me?  So, here you go!

I swear Wells Fargo is going to fire me if I keep bringing up Christ at work.  It's so incredibly hard though, that's all I think about for 9 hours while I'm there, it's bound to come out!  I know God has me there for a reason (especially since I have left and returned three times...I even tried to leave a fourth time but took back my two week notice because I felt God keeping me there for some reason).  I just hope I am living out the purpose He has for me throughout my time there.  I am so in love with everyone I work with, it's ridiculous. 

I once had it explained to me that sometimes reoccurring dreams are your subconscious working out things that you aren't dealing with on a conscious level...Well if that is the case then I don't know what the heck is going on because I have had some pretty crazy dreams.  Last night I dreamed that I was at bible college only it totally wasn't bible college because it was filled with sorority girls.  Plus, I was not allowed to leave this college, I could only talk on the phone with everyone from home.  I have never felt that trapped in my entire life.  Later in the dream Allan Firman was there and I have never been happier to see that bald head in my life! (Haha SO random, but I guess everyone on the hike was right- "The Firman" is omnipresent).  Long story short, by the end of the dream I was talking to Shannon on the phone and I woke up in the middle of a hard core panic attack.  I felt that same panicked and trapped feeling as someone would feel if they were being buried alive.  

Analysis:  I'm not afraid to be in a third world country, surrounded by political distress (which has calmed down, peace treaties are being signed), sleeping on a homemade bunk bed, eating rice and beans, with the threat of disease as present as Starbucks' for America.  I am overwhelmed with the thought of loving, ministering and teaching the children at Huruma on a daily basis, even if some of their life stories will make me sick and tears seem impossible to keep from spilling out.  I am more than thrilled to know that I will be obedient to God's calling for me (being disobedient is not an option, I wasted too many years of my life doing that).  The only thing that I am having trouble coming to peace with is the fact that I will be leaving the people I love.  I am going to Africa with the intentions of really testing, probing, questioning if full time missions is something God is calling me to do and it scares me to death to think that I might find His answer to be yes.  On the one hand, I would give anything to be a servant for Christ through missions.  Ministering to the least of these, relying solely on God, knowing that He really is "all I need" like we sing with Brian on Sundays.  On the other hand,  I can't help but cry thinking about how blessed I am through the people in my life right now.  God has given me high school kids who I would die for.  They are the most innovated, driven, selfless, inspiring, on-fire teenagers to walk this Earth (it's true).  They ask tough questions and they do the footwork to find the answers God has provided them (even when those answers are opaque and seem impossible to answer).  There are a few of them that never cease to amaze me with their love for the Lord.  I don't know what I will do without them texting me at all hours of the night/morning asking me to explain a passage or simply to demand that I plan a Golden Spoon/Guitar Hero night. 

My family (Shannon included in this category) is another tough topic.  I have never been away from Shannon since the fourth grade.  The farthest I have ever been away from my mom was at U of A for a year (a whole hour an a half drive-woo!) Thinking about leaving them makes me want to walk away from God just so I won't be accountable for what he is revealing to me.  Not being able to see them every day is going to be the hardest challenge that God has put before me in my life thus far.  

Lauren, Vanessa, Katie and Andrew, Brandy, Travis, Ryan and Lindsey, Stacia, Amanda, Kelsey, Ron and Anna, Jeff, Travis, Rashin, Kailyn, Kim, Matt, Steve, Lindsey, Eli...this list of people who I love and are the reason I am drawing closer to this God that loves me more than comprehensible could go on and on.  I just want to stop for a second and Praise God for everyone (listed and not) that has been in my life this past year...it hasn't been an easy one but I have never been so blessed and joyful.  This past year was so pivotal for me and words just can't express how grateful I am for your hearts throughout it.

I guess I will end with advice for myself from scripture: Matthew 6:25-34...worrying about where God might want to take me is pointless.  Instead I am going to be content with where ever God wants me to go, knowing that if I am following Him I will never be led astray.  God keeps bringing me back to the book of Acts.  Acts 5:41 says the apostles were rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering.  I pray daily for a faith like that.  The apostles looked at anguish and distress but counted it as gain (Philippians 1:21- thanks Tori) because they know that their Father in heaven had a reward for them that was worth all of the suffering they had to endure on this Earth.  Matthew 19:29-30 promises that anyone who leaves the comfort of their home, their families and friends "will receive a hundred times as much and inherit eternal life".  To think that God would even think about choosing me to do that work, that I could ever be worthy enough to be a missionary throughout the nations for Christ...it blows my mind to think about.  If that is the calling that God has for me, I would be astonished to be considered worthy of such mission and even though it might be the hardest thing I could ever do; to give up a life of comfort and convenience and proximity to the ones I love and care about most on this Earth, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I get that my life is for HIS purpose, not my own and if that means spreading the gospel throughout the world then I praise God for seeing me worthy of such work.